do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
foreskin is a definite game changer
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
