my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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