im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
