Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
