Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
this is an emotional support booty call
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
