Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
