I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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