Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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