1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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