1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
