We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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