Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
