I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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