So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
