you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
