I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
