OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this will be a night to untag.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
