Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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