please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
