i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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