Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
