Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
