I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
