well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
operation have a gay friend backfired
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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