so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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