One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
