i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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