How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
