there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
