and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
