i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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