And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
