That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
