Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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