i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I have demons in me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
