You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
