i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
