i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
