Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
