Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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