You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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