I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
