i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
