I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
