i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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