i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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