the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
And then he peed in my hair
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