Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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