eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"