High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."