I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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