I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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