I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does