the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it's like iHOP with fire
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
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Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.