I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
