"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
