Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I woke up under a house in Key West
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
