i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Randomize
