yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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