The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
