True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
