i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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