i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
