you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
