The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
