I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
soo... how was my night?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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